The Pain of Vipassana (Days 1-5)

"Well Well Well"" in all senses of the phrase!

What I just experienced was not a retreat as  lead you to believe, a retreat is gentle and uplifting, blissful even.  What this was, as clearly stated in its literature, an intensive course in vipassana meditation, a technique capeable of purifying the mind. The literature also talks about "surrendering" yourself to the teachings for ten days and becoming your own master thereafter. So I was forewarned ...but nothing could have forarmed me for what was to come and I am probably a bit too freshly removed to provide a truly balanced account so I will provide a factual breakdown of my various states as the course progressed

Day 0

We took five precepts which required us to chant in Pali (the ancient indian language that Buddha used) to agree to abstain from Killing, Stealing, All Sexual Activities, Telling Lies, All Intoxicants.

I realised that there were actually 12 days on this 10 day course but sat through the evening sessions changing position regularly.

Day 1

I sat and was mosquito eaten through the morning sessions which included a lot of tape-recorded pali chanting by Mr Goenka our tape-recorded teacher. I was supposed to be focussing on my breathing but my brain was a sack of restless butterflies, the chanting was a torturous durge and my back began to hurt. On some explaining about the metal reinforcements throughout my lower back, I was granted permission by the teacher to use a low platform with a backrest where you put your big flat sitting cushion and keep your position in the meditation hall. I felt shamed for caving in so soon and it didn't help anyway because the pain escalated. By the Discourse (a DVD of Mr Goenka comforting us on what he knew had been a tough day, giving us helpful tips and actually being very lovely) I was writhing in back-tension agony, wondering if I was supposed to be feeling serene or even just OK. Sleep came upon me like a ton of bricks.

Day 2

Was quite simply day one with the added misery of knowing what to expect, the Discourse opened with Mr Goenka saying that at least it was not as bad as Day 1! I shook my head, then hung it in shame as that was communication and I was not supposed to be communicating and my misery escalated a fraction more. I wished I had not given the management all of my valuables and agreed to stay for ten days. I thought a lot about prison, being a prisoner and what concentration camps must have felt like as I walked up and down on the Ladies Walking path which was lined with the beautiful gardens of the meditation centre. It didn't make sense, the place looked so serene when our 35 ladies and 50 gents (firmly segragated) had arrived.  Conspiring paranoid brain butterflies fluttered wings tatooed with lines like "in Thailand even the devil smiles", "Jekyll and Hyde", "luminous snakes are poisonous". I wondered if Hell might have made a better stop on my trip and I ditched my bra, convinced it was trying to restrict my breath and stab my spine.

Day 3

I had spent so long witnessing my breathing it had become second nature despite the pain. The teaching had moved on to spending ten hours a day focussing the mind on a limited area of the body. This was the area from above the upper lip to the nostrils both inside and out. Instructions were played in Hindi, then English then Tamil. Tamil was my playful diversion, I noticed that its Spanuguese-Indian sounds took 1.5 times the amount of time that English took to explain anything whilst Hindi took only slightly longer than English to expalin anything in. I wished the Hindi took longer, it sounded lovely in Mr Goenka's soothing tones, I escaped from the burning heart of Mordor when these Elvish tones blessed my ears. The concious relevance of the English language brought me sharply into the room and the soothingly delivered instructions were light relief. The odd subversive tattooed butterfly fluttered its wings when I warmed to Mr Goenka. During the evening group sitting (we were not allowed to step outside and walk during these 3x daily sessions from Day 0) my top lip began to sweat. I was so focussed upon it, I sensed every minute aspect of that pearl of perspiration's generation, it was a moment of personal glory. All of the butterflies were still.

Hells Bells

Day 4

Burning moth-ridden brain, incarcerated in hell. Signs went up saying that nobody was to change postion during the group sittings. My anti-dogma fuse blew as I felt a suffer-litttle-children-but-I-will-redeem-you vibe coming on, this was meant to be non-sectarian meditation not dictation. Rat moth butterflies with chronic torrets and fangs fought fiercely. One of the "phrases of the day" which were found on the notice board included the words "burn, burn". A kind note from Mr Goenka said that the idea was not to torture yourself. The teacher told me the pain would go. There was talk about purification being painful, why the hell did I seek this purification? Why the hell was I here? Those winged vampire creatures in my head forced visions of my worst moments of self and experience into my mind. I didn't want reminding, these things were random, deep, buried, moved on from, once noteworthy, irrelevant and forgotten. I was in the pit of my most depressive times with hot oil being poured onto me. I ransacked my backpack and reached out a craving hand to codiene for pain relief and and laxative for something to taste (amongst other reasons!). The codeine absolutely pasted me. Given the light, simple diet and deep mind surgery that was going on it was a truly narcotic experience...thank god I only took it during the discourse ...which was something about me creating my own misery.

Day 5

At least Day 4 was over. Having realised that taking codiene was probably against the intoxicant rules I saw the teacher who was not actually demonic and kindly talked about how a good body was just as important to the art of living as a good mind. I was moved to a simple chair and cushion at the back of the meditation hall with the old Tamil ladies. The teaching had moved from preparation to Vipassana meditation and milky white and turquoise butterflies occasionally danced from flower to flower.