Thank You India

Call it one of the biggest clichés, “coming to India to find yourself”, call it whatever you like, but the honest truth is that I had become lost and the only way out was to be found.  The people who only met me in recent years have little idea of the energy I possess, or of the person I can be, I was not a fraud, but you only met my shadow.

I have always had a feeling, or perhaps a need, to come to India since I travelled as a student.  I have no idea why I felt that or when it would happen, but “the India trip” always sat on my side-lines.  My Dad has often said that “it’s not until your back is against the wall that you can move forward”.  My friend Charlie, one very bleak afternoon late last year confirmed that I was there.  In her late mum’s words, she said “you have to take this negative energy Adele, and make it positive” …simple, yet for me at that time, very hard hitting.  I went home, I read job adverts, I even met a recruitment consultant, I knew I needed to get out of my job to begin to move forward, but a light switched on somewhere far away from burying myself in another job, it was Mother India calling.  

The time had come for me to embark upon a very necessary journey, one whose path, right from the moment I accepted its invitation has been guided by a much greater force than anything I could summon.  Prior to my departure, that force sold a thoroughbred in November, found a friendly tenant for my cottage and bumped me into Bhante my local Buddhist monk who pointed me in the direction of Gaia House where I sampled silence and entered the world of meditation.

I didn’t read Liz Gilbert until I was here, and when I did, I was slightly disappointed to learn why everyone had presumed I was doing an “Eat, Pray, Love”.  Apparently I was not the only 35 year old woman, post marriage and in the midst of a challenging follow-on relationship to do such a thing.  I was neither inimitable in my mess nor unique in my boldness, but bold I was, and at my lowest ebb it was India’s calling that kept me so.

December in Delhi, Bihar and Varanassi I spent as a lost soul. I wandered why I had left a perfectly good job, I was terrified about financial ruin, despite an employable CV and savings in the bank, and I was waiting for something, frankly anything, to take hold.  But nothing took hold of me, in reality I slowly began to take hold of myself.  The joy of searching for tigers and striking gold was one as pure as perhaps one can only ever feel with nature, and also a point of realisation.  The self-created me was so unimportant, seeing a tiger’s might was everything, some mornings I didn’t even wear mascara!  I looked that majestic beast right in the eye and without knowing moved on within myself, to a place where I was free and what was happening in the here and now was more important.  It sounds simple, but when I was consumed by a job, a demanding hobby and trying to make everyone think I was OK, I missed that simple point …what is happening, the present.

When I reached the tribal areas of Chhattisgarh I was entranced by the lives of people who were conversely fascinated by my life but who had no idea what I would have given at that time for the simplicity, community, and vibrancy of their norm.  In tribal India I would have a family, something I always longed for, I might have six children but with my personality, still be someone who could contribute, who could drive ideas and make changes, I would probably be content, despite no email address, cash ISA or dual fuel range cooker.

Then came Vipassana, that alarming journey inside my own mind.  Thank God I did not know what to expect.  It was tough beyond belief; scary, challenging and painful but I succeeded, in my fragile state I got through it and came out hungry, happy and firmly planted in the present.

I have to hand it to Liz, she pre-empted me on this one because “eating” came upon me with a force unknown.  It was in Tamil Nadu that I discovered Milk, Cashew, Carrot, Fig and Coconut sweets (to name but a few), a whole range of intensely sugary and delicious delights that I had looked upon as a student as weird pieces of plasticine from the window of the magic bus through Rusholme.  Sweets and the all day breakfast delights of Dosa, Idly and Pongal (my Dog names for the future) unashamedly filled my skin and made me smile again.

As I enlarged in the spiritual South, Tamil Nadu enchanted me.  Despite being excluded from its inner temple sanctuaries, I fervently visited the outer areas and meditated through mosquito feasts for all I was worth.  I know Liz talked about that too but it is an unavoidable truth.

It was then that I was whisked out of my spiritual pod and onto the beaches of Kerala where I tried desperately, and probably badly, to articulate the amazing experience I was having to my gorgeous yoga immersed sister Julia and my delightfully sorted old friend Suzi.  Westernisation took its toll, G&T and white wine was wonderful to rediscover but thankfully just as easy to leave behind as I hopped from ashram to friend to ashram to relationship…

I was excited about my “love” phase, I had done a lot of “eating” and “praying” by then and I really believed that I was about to soar on a pocket rocket to the heavens… but I wasn’t.  I had a beautiful holiday with my love but there it ended and into the most profound ashram experience I retreated. Brahma Vidya Mandir Ashram, my secret place, a place where I never planned to go but like so much of this trip, a place where I ended up.  There were books to read, deep spiritual conversations to be had and a mop, knife and broom.  This is where everything came together.  My delicate soul had questions answered that I was incapable of framing, I still have some answers for which I have not found the question.  It was the most incredible personal experience I could have had and yet I didn’t chose it, it chose me and it was absolutely not fantastical.

Who really knows if Gujarat was as good as I believed it to be, cloud 9 could make a farmyard a palace but it was so right.  Gujarat’s people primarily, but its quirky landscapes, kind breeze, eclectic architecture and minimalistic tourism made it the highlight of my trip.

And now I find myself happily single, happily looking for a job back home, happy to be homeward bound, and in Rajasthan, the part of India that most people get to see on their two week tours.  It’s beautiful but until I reached Jodphur there was more to see here than to feel.  It has been good for me to re-westernise, good to revisit the menus of pancake and pizza that offered their solace to me last December, and good to give reassurance to the wide-eyed new arrivals.  I have reached the time to un-acclimatise myself from India, but before I let go, I would just like to thank her for helping me find myself.